For a long time, people have seen crying as a sign of weakness. Well, if that is the case, then I may be one of the weakest people I know - or that you know. I have been crying for weeks - there have been days where I have been at work and it has taken everything in me to "hold it back." There has been alot going on in my home and family but we made some really healthy choices this morning that will move us towards healing. My family is hurt - and if you think about us, and are a praying person, please pray for us. We have "loved big and lost big" and there's no way around it - it hurts.
With that said, this is what God has been showing me in the past few weeks. I love big - and I make no excuses for that. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do tend to give and give and give - and rarely receive anything in return. This is where God steps in and "fills my cup back up." I am afraid that I haven't been relying on Him enough lately. I keep saying "I know I need Him - I am not in this alone" - but, I am not letting Him fill me back up. I won't even admit to Him that I need to be filled back up. The stupid thing is that He knows EXACTLY where I am and what I am thinking and what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I need. It's time for me to sit at my Father's feet and let Him love me in a way that only my heavenly Father can. It's time for me to sit at His feet and cry - and tell Him how I am feeling - and humble myself. I need to be poured into and taken care of for just a little while. I just can't take care of anyone right now - and I need to be okay with that. It is humbling.
The great thing is that God has some people in my life who are encouraging me, and loving on me, and pouring into me. Some of those people are the very people who exhaust me - it's weird how God works. I went on facebook a little while ago and a good friend of mine posted "Love you Sam... just sayin". It was not a random comment, it was God ordained - He knew that I needed that. I love how God works. "Random" facebook posts in the past 2 days - "Samantha Scavulli you are so wonderful", "thanks for listening to me tonight. you really are the best youth leader EVER", "I am going to pray like crazy for you"... These are just a few. I have also gotten texts from people who I love who ALWAYS know just what to say - and also know when to say nothing and just listen. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. My cup is being filled back up with every encouraging word. I also went to dinner with some girls that I love tonight - just sitting at Panera (and then Coldstone) and laughing with them (and at them) was wonderful. God is working on filling me back up - one drop at a time. I can't wait to start this Bible study this week - I just know God has some crazy lessons to teach me in the next few weeks.
I love music - and you will find that out about me. There is something about it - lyrics that say what I am feeling in a way that I would never be able to so eloquently say. Jonny Diaz has a song called "Small Enough". Let me share some lyrics with you -
"O God who holds the stars and tells them where to shine:
Can You be small enough to hear me whispering tonight?
You made the mountains high, and filled the oceans deep,
Can You be small enough to feel the pain inside of me?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
O God who heals the blind and raises up the dead:
I just need to know You know the hairs upon my head
You shake the night with thunder as lightning breaks the sky,
Can You be small enough to hold me if I start to cry?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
Sometimes I need a Maker, One who controls the seas,
But right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me
Right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me."
That is my prayer tonight. Please, Lord, right now, all I need is You to calm the storms in me.
Strength CAN be found in tears - for only when we admit to our own weakness can we find the Strength that we need to keep going.
I love that song, "Small Enough." It never ceases to make me cry! You and your family will be in my prayers. After the death of my brother-in-law a month ago, we've been giving and giving to the rest of the family to the point of complete emotional and physical exhaustion. BUT when HE fills me up, and I give out of the never exhausted abundance of his love and mercy, there is such a difference. Praying that in whatever you are going through, you will be filled to overflowing with his spirit and experience the abundance of his love and mercy.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get this. :)
ReplyDeleteThe link to the picture I was talking about ...
http://niagaranovice.blogspot.com/2009/03/elusive.html
It's about 1/2 way down the page ... you'll know it when you see it! Have a good weekend!