For a long time, people have seen crying as a sign of weakness. Well, if that is the case, then I may be one of the weakest people I know - or that you know. I have been crying for weeks - there have been days where I have been at work and it has taken everything in me to "hold it back." There has been alot going on in my home and family but we made some really healthy choices this morning that will move us towards healing. My family is hurt - and if you think about us, and are a praying person, please pray for us. We have "loved big and lost big" and there's no way around it - it hurts.
With that said, this is what God has been showing me in the past few weeks. I love big - and I make no excuses for that. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do tend to give and give and give - and rarely receive anything in return. This is where God steps in and "fills my cup back up." I am afraid that I haven't been relying on Him enough lately. I keep saying "I know I need Him - I am not in this alone" - but, I am not letting Him fill me back up. I won't even admit to Him that I need to be filled back up. The stupid thing is that He knows EXACTLY where I am and what I am thinking and what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I need. It's time for me to sit at my Father's feet and let Him love me in a way that only my heavenly Father can. It's time for me to sit at His feet and cry - and tell Him how I am feeling - and humble myself. I need to be poured into and taken care of for just a little while. I just can't take care of anyone right now - and I need to be okay with that. It is humbling.
The great thing is that God has some people in my life who are encouraging me, and loving on me, and pouring into me. Some of those people are the very people who exhaust me - it's weird how God works. I went on facebook a little while ago and a good friend of mine posted "Love you Sam... just sayin". It was not a random comment, it was God ordained - He knew that I needed that. I love how God works. "Random" facebook posts in the past 2 days - "Samantha Scavulli you are so wonderful", "thanks for listening to me tonight. you really are the best youth leader EVER", "I am going to pray like crazy for you"... These are just a few. I have also gotten texts from people who I love who ALWAYS know just what to say - and also know when to say nothing and just listen. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. My cup is being filled back up with every encouraging word. I also went to dinner with some girls that I love tonight - just sitting at Panera (and then Coldstone) and laughing with them (and at them) was wonderful. God is working on filling me back up - one drop at a time. I can't wait to start this Bible study this week - I just know God has some crazy lessons to teach me in the next few weeks.
I love music - and you will find that out about me. There is something about it - lyrics that say what I am feeling in a way that I would never be able to so eloquently say. Jonny Diaz has a song called "Small Enough". Let me share some lyrics with you -
"O God who holds the stars and tells them where to shine:
Can You be small enough to hear me whispering tonight?
You made the mountains high, and filled the oceans deep,
Can You be small enough to feel the pain inside of me?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
O God who heals the blind and raises up the dead:
I just need to know You know the hairs upon my head
You shake the night with thunder as lightning breaks the sky,
Can You be small enough to hold me if I start to cry?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
Sometimes I need a Maker, One who controls the seas,
But right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me
Right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me."
That is my prayer tonight. Please, Lord, right now, all I need is You to calm the storms in me.
Strength CAN be found in tears - for only when we admit to our own weakness can we find the Strength that we need to keep going.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sports bra and lycra shorts
Hey there! I want to be honest, right from the start. I have started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I need to make changes in my life - and I think the only way for me to see clearly is to "write" it all down. I have been doing ALOT of talking in recent weeks, months, and years - and not a whole lot of "doing" has been happening. That is about to change.
Do you ever watch those shows where people need to lose hundreds of pounds? And they have them walking around in sports bras and lycra shorts? I have often seen that and thought "WHY would they make them wear that? WHY? It seems so degrading!" I am thinking that the producers and writers are onto something. So many of us walk around in a "cover" - we disguise who we really are - so we don't have to admit to others OR OURSELVES who we really are. Making those people put on that sports bra and lycra shorts is forcing them to admit where they are - forcing them to see what they really look like. It's due time that I put on the "sports bra and lycra shorts" and finally cop to where I am.
So, like I said, I need to make some changes. I don't like where I am and I don't like who I have become. I am a fun person. I am insightful. I give great advice (whether you want it or not). I love to give to others and do little things to brighten people's days. I work hard. I try to be the best mom that I can be. With all of that said, there is constant turmoil deep inside of me. I don't like me. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I think about. I don't like that I have NO self-control. I don't like that I am completely un-disciplined. I don't like what comes out of my mouth at times. And, I certainly don't like how quickly I can become angry. The list could go on and on - but, I think that you get the point. I know that I have people in my life who love me, and that my God loves me, but I want to love me. Not in a creepy, snobby Kardashian way - but I long to see myself the way that God sees me. And, I long to be the woman that God knows I can be - the woman that He created me to be.
So, where do I start in my journey to where I want to be? Well, that's the trick - remember when I said that I am completely un-disciplined? Yeah - therein lies the biggest problem. How do I lose weight? By eating better and working out. How do I discover who God wants me to be so that I can work towards that? By reading my Bible and listening to Him more. How do I control my temper? I have NO idea! I am not good at making a plan and sticking to it. I hope that since this will all be written and broadcasted on the internet, this will help me to stick to my plans a little better than my past attempts.
I joined a Bible study at my church - and that starts next Tuesday. I am excited because it will help me be in the Word every day. This is step one.
I joined a gym 4 weeks ago and still haven't gone once. I WILL go work out 4 times next week. This is step two.
I am only making those 2 steps at this point. I can't change everything at once or I won't stick to a single one - I know this about myself.
If you see me next week, ask me how I am doing. :) Thanks!
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld~
Do you ever watch those shows where people need to lose hundreds of pounds? And they have them walking around in sports bras and lycra shorts? I have often seen that and thought "WHY would they make them wear that? WHY? It seems so degrading!" I am thinking that the producers and writers are onto something. So many of us walk around in a "cover" - we disguise who we really are - so we don't have to admit to others OR OURSELVES who we really are. Making those people put on that sports bra and lycra shorts is forcing them to admit where they are - forcing them to see what they really look like. It's due time that I put on the "sports bra and lycra shorts" and finally cop to where I am.
So, like I said, I need to make some changes. I don't like where I am and I don't like who I have become. I am a fun person. I am insightful. I give great advice (whether you want it or not). I love to give to others and do little things to brighten people's days. I work hard. I try to be the best mom that I can be. With all of that said, there is constant turmoil deep inside of me. I don't like me. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I think about. I don't like that I have NO self-control. I don't like that I am completely un-disciplined. I don't like what comes out of my mouth at times. And, I certainly don't like how quickly I can become angry. The list could go on and on - but, I think that you get the point. I know that I have people in my life who love me, and that my God loves me, but I want to love me. Not in a creepy, snobby Kardashian way - but I long to see myself the way that God sees me. And, I long to be the woman that God knows I can be - the woman that He created me to be.
So, where do I start in my journey to where I want to be? Well, that's the trick - remember when I said that I am completely un-disciplined? Yeah - therein lies the biggest problem. How do I lose weight? By eating better and working out. How do I discover who God wants me to be so that I can work towards that? By reading my Bible and listening to Him more. How do I control my temper? I have NO idea! I am not good at making a plan and sticking to it. I hope that since this will all be written and broadcasted on the internet, this will help me to stick to my plans a little better than my past attempts.
I joined a Bible study at my church - and that starts next Tuesday. I am excited because it will help me be in the Word every day. This is step one.
I joined a gym 4 weeks ago and still haven't gone once. I WILL go work out 4 times next week. This is step two.
I am only making those 2 steps at this point. I can't change everything at once or I won't stick to a single one - I know this about myself.
If you see me next week, ask me how I am doing. :) Thanks!
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld~
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