Well, it's time to explain to you all why I chose the name I chose for my blog. This is one of my favorite verses from the story of Esther. (Little side note - I was Esther in high school in a play about Esther! I thought you would love to know that! haha) Anyways, if you know the story, that's great! If you don't, pick up a Bible and read it!!! Esther was a little orphan girl who ended up being a queen - a queen who would save the lives of her people! Talk about whirlwind kind of life. Esther was basically pushed into this "America's Next Top Model" type of contest to become the queen - and "won". When I played Esther in high school, I sang a song with the words "Why am I here? What have I done? Everything's changed - who have I become? They call me queen, but I still feel like a girl." Can you hear the sadness in those words? The sense of - well, I can't even put it into words. This "competition" wasn't something that Esther signed up for, dreamed of all her life, or even wanted to be a part of. But, nonetheless, she found herself in this confusing, overwhelming situation. Fast-forward through the story, after years of this craziness, Esther's uncle writes to her and tells her to go to the king and beg for her people's lives. This presented a few pretty bad scenarios - the worst of which was that if she went to the king without the king asking for her to come in, she could and would be killed! She tells Mordecai (her uncle) this and he writes her back with this thought "And who knows but that you have come to this royal position for such a time as this?" Everything that she had gone through - the good, the bad, the confusing, the lonely, the fabulous - were for a reason! They had made her into who she was and had put her where she was for a purpose. I love those words so much - I actually got them tattooed on my arm with the birthflowers of two very special girls who God allowed me to help. I had gone through many things - good, bad, confusing, lonely, fabulous - and they made me into who I was and put me where I was so that God could use me in these 2 girls lives. Now, obviously, He could have used anyone but He chose me - and I am so very grateful for that. The blessing that they have given to me in return are incalculable. (There are so many other people who I just love to death and I am so grateful for - I will work on a tattoo to symbolize you all - don't worry! lol)
Anyways, I love those words - For Such a Time as This. I take comfort in it when I am going through a trial or valley - for I know it is all for a reason. God is continuing His work in me. I am so grateful that He is willing to work on such a messed up, filthy, wrecked person! I know that I go through things so that I can learn and grow - but my hope and prayer is that God will use my trials and valleys and lessons and growth to help you grow. My hope and prayer is that something that He is teaching me with teach you as well. What a cool thing that would be!
I will leave you with this. There is a reason that you have been through whatever you have been through. If you are currently in a trial - whether it has been a few days, a few weeks, or a few years - God is using this to mold you into who He knows you can be. We are all a work in progress - and I know that sometimes that hurts and scares and confuses us - but becoming who God wants us to be is a pretty sweet reward. Go with it - and look for every lesson that He is trying to teach you. Let Him do His work - the will of God is the only place to be!
"You know you can't stay right where you fell. The hardest part is forgiving yourself. But let's take a walk into today And don't let your past get in the way." This is where I am right now.... Love you all and I covet your prayers.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Just keep climbing....
Okay, so it has been almost 2 months since I wrote my last entry. I have had a couple of people ask me why and this is it - I have still been feeling beat down and in a dark valley. God has definitely been talking to me and teaching me, but I just can't seem to "shake this slump" that I am in. Well, I should put that in the past tense because in the past couple of days, I have actually started to feel like I might just be on the uphill climb. It's not going to be an easy climb, but I need to do it.
I want to share a few of the things that God has been teaching me in the past couple of months. First - He loves me and knows what I am going through. There is not one person alive who is in my bedroom with me when I am crying myself to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night in tears. There is not one person alive who is with me when I hear a song or a saying that forms a lump in my throat. There is not one person alive who knows how my heart aches. There is not one person alive who knows every thought that is in my head and what I am trying to process. Sure, there are people (like my husband) who have an idea - but they can't know the full scope of where my heart and mind are right now. I am so thankful for a God who knows every part of me (as scary as that is) - He knit me together and knows what makes me tick and what makes me hurt and what makes me smile. He knows me - and still loves me - crazy, huh? :)
I have been going to a Bible study lead by Beth Moore. God uses her in amazing ways - the number of times I have had goosebumps or tears (and sometimes both) during the weekly sessions are countless. She has a way of speaking that is just so real - so down to earth - so easy to relate to. I wish I could just leaf through this study guide and share with you everything that I have starred and underlined.
One thing that I read this week hit me like a ton of bricks. "We are to walk as people who have encountered God, and some of the most transforming encounters are wrestling matches." (Beth Moore, of course) She says this while we were reading and learning about Jacob's night of wrestling with God. The Bible says that "he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched." The next morning as Jacob walked out to approach his brother Esau, Jacob walked with a limp. I LOVE that visual! Jacob wrestled with God, God touched him and made him walk differently, and then Jacob could walk (limping all the way) to confront his past (Esau). Dear God, Please make me walk differently! Beth says this - "Beloved, sometimes God will wound His own child to make him walk differently..."
One more thing before I go... I am sure we all know about Joseph (Jacob's favorite son). His brothers threw him into a pit because they hated him. They concocted a scheme to kill him. While he was in this pit, people came by and the brothers ended up selling Joseph to these people - people who would then sell Joseph to Potiphar - and the rest of the story is crazy! Joseph ends up saving his family from starvation years later. What we talked about was that the means of Joseph's deliverance was in motion before Joseph was even thrown into that pit. Those men who bought Joseph had left on their journey before Joseph had been thrown into the pit! God knew what He was doing and had allowed what seemed to be an unbearable situation to play out - to glorify Himself in the end!!! What? God allowed Joseph to be sold, and then sold again, and He allowed Jacob to be lied to and mourn the loss of his son for YEARS - and he brought good out of it! Seriously, people, how can this not make you smile? God sees the big picture, and He knows what you are going through, and what is going on around you, AND how He is going to work through and in it! I am so blessed by this! I hope you are too.
Finally, (okay, for real this time) I want to share a few verses with you from Psalm 55. "My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...'... If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; If a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, one like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers." I feel the heartache, and fear, and sorrow in that segment of verses. These verses brought tears to my eyes. Later in that chapter it reads, "As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." HE HEARS MY VOICE... and He hears yours too.
I want to share a few of the things that God has been teaching me in the past couple of months. First - He loves me and knows what I am going through. There is not one person alive who is in my bedroom with me when I am crying myself to sleep or when I wake up in the middle of the night in tears. There is not one person alive who is with me when I hear a song or a saying that forms a lump in my throat. There is not one person alive who knows how my heart aches. There is not one person alive who knows every thought that is in my head and what I am trying to process. Sure, there are people (like my husband) who have an idea - but they can't know the full scope of where my heart and mind are right now. I am so thankful for a God who knows every part of me (as scary as that is) - He knit me together and knows what makes me tick and what makes me hurt and what makes me smile. He knows me - and still loves me - crazy, huh? :)
I have been going to a Bible study lead by Beth Moore. God uses her in amazing ways - the number of times I have had goosebumps or tears (and sometimes both) during the weekly sessions are countless. She has a way of speaking that is just so real - so down to earth - so easy to relate to. I wish I could just leaf through this study guide and share with you everything that I have starred and underlined.
One thing that I read this week hit me like a ton of bricks. "We are to walk as people who have encountered God, and some of the most transforming encounters are wrestling matches." (Beth Moore, of course) She says this while we were reading and learning about Jacob's night of wrestling with God. The Bible says that "he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched." The next morning as Jacob walked out to approach his brother Esau, Jacob walked with a limp. I LOVE that visual! Jacob wrestled with God, God touched him and made him walk differently, and then Jacob could walk (limping all the way) to confront his past (Esau). Dear God, Please make me walk differently! Beth says this - "Beloved, sometimes God will wound His own child to make him walk differently..."
One more thing before I go... I am sure we all know about Joseph (Jacob's favorite son). His brothers threw him into a pit because they hated him. They concocted a scheme to kill him. While he was in this pit, people came by and the brothers ended up selling Joseph to these people - people who would then sell Joseph to Potiphar - and the rest of the story is crazy! Joseph ends up saving his family from starvation years later. What we talked about was that the means of Joseph's deliverance was in motion before Joseph was even thrown into that pit. Those men who bought Joseph had left on their journey before Joseph had been thrown into the pit! God knew what He was doing and had allowed what seemed to be an unbearable situation to play out - to glorify Himself in the end!!! What? God allowed Joseph to be sold, and then sold again, and He allowed Jacob to be lied to and mourn the loss of his son for YEARS - and he brought good out of it! Seriously, people, how can this not make you smile? God sees the big picture, and He knows what you are going through, and what is going on around you, AND how He is going to work through and in it! I am so blessed by this! I hope you are too.
Finally, (okay, for real this time) I want to share a few verses with you from Psalm 55. "My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said 'Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest...'... If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; If a foe were rising against me, I could hide. But it is you, one like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at the house of God, as we walked about among the worshipers." I feel the heartache, and fear, and sorrow in that segment of verses. These verses brought tears to my eyes. Later in that chapter it reads, "As for me, I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice." HE HEARS MY VOICE... and He hears yours too.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Strength in weakness
For a long time, people have seen crying as a sign of weakness. Well, if that is the case, then I may be one of the weakest people I know - or that you know. I have been crying for weeks - there have been days where I have been at work and it has taken everything in me to "hold it back." There has been alot going on in my home and family but we made some really healthy choices this morning that will move us towards healing. My family is hurt - and if you think about us, and are a praying person, please pray for us. We have "loved big and lost big" and there's no way around it - it hurts.
With that said, this is what God has been showing me in the past few weeks. I love big - and I make no excuses for that. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do tend to give and give and give - and rarely receive anything in return. This is where God steps in and "fills my cup back up." I am afraid that I haven't been relying on Him enough lately. I keep saying "I know I need Him - I am not in this alone" - but, I am not letting Him fill me back up. I won't even admit to Him that I need to be filled back up. The stupid thing is that He knows EXACTLY where I am and what I am thinking and what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I need. It's time for me to sit at my Father's feet and let Him love me in a way that only my heavenly Father can. It's time for me to sit at His feet and cry - and tell Him how I am feeling - and humble myself. I need to be poured into and taken care of for just a little while. I just can't take care of anyone right now - and I need to be okay with that. It is humbling.
The great thing is that God has some people in my life who are encouraging me, and loving on me, and pouring into me. Some of those people are the very people who exhaust me - it's weird how God works. I went on facebook a little while ago and a good friend of mine posted "Love you Sam... just sayin". It was not a random comment, it was God ordained - He knew that I needed that. I love how God works. "Random" facebook posts in the past 2 days - "Samantha Scavulli you are so wonderful", "thanks for listening to me tonight. you really are the best youth leader EVER", "I am going to pray like crazy for you"... These are just a few. I have also gotten texts from people who I love who ALWAYS know just what to say - and also know when to say nothing and just listen. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. My cup is being filled back up with every encouraging word. I also went to dinner with some girls that I love tonight - just sitting at Panera (and then Coldstone) and laughing with them (and at them) was wonderful. God is working on filling me back up - one drop at a time. I can't wait to start this Bible study this week - I just know God has some crazy lessons to teach me in the next few weeks.
I love music - and you will find that out about me. There is something about it - lyrics that say what I am feeling in a way that I would never be able to so eloquently say. Jonny Diaz has a song called "Small Enough". Let me share some lyrics with you -
"O God who holds the stars and tells them where to shine:
Can You be small enough to hear me whispering tonight?
You made the mountains high, and filled the oceans deep,
Can You be small enough to feel the pain inside of me?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
O God who heals the blind and raises up the dead:
I just need to know You know the hairs upon my head
You shake the night with thunder as lightning breaks the sky,
Can You be small enough to hold me if I start to cry?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
Sometimes I need a Maker, One who controls the seas,
But right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me
Right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me."
That is my prayer tonight. Please, Lord, right now, all I need is You to calm the storms in me.
Strength CAN be found in tears - for only when we admit to our own weakness can we find the Strength that we need to keep going.
With that said, this is what God has been showing me in the past few weeks. I love big - and I make no excuses for that. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I do tend to give and give and give - and rarely receive anything in return. This is where God steps in and "fills my cup back up." I am afraid that I haven't been relying on Him enough lately. I keep saying "I know I need Him - I am not in this alone" - but, I am not letting Him fill me back up. I won't even admit to Him that I need to be filled back up. The stupid thing is that He knows EXACTLY where I am and what I am thinking and what I am feeling. He knows exactly what I need. It's time for me to sit at my Father's feet and let Him love me in a way that only my heavenly Father can. It's time for me to sit at His feet and cry - and tell Him how I am feeling - and humble myself. I need to be poured into and taken care of for just a little while. I just can't take care of anyone right now - and I need to be okay with that. It is humbling.
The great thing is that God has some people in my life who are encouraging me, and loving on me, and pouring into me. Some of those people are the very people who exhaust me - it's weird how God works. I went on facebook a little while ago and a good friend of mine posted "Love you Sam... just sayin". It was not a random comment, it was God ordained - He knew that I needed that. I love how God works. "Random" facebook posts in the past 2 days - "Samantha Scavulli you are so wonderful", "thanks for listening to me tonight. you really are the best youth leader EVER", "I am going to pray like crazy for you"... These are just a few. I have also gotten texts from people who I love who ALWAYS know just what to say - and also know when to say nothing and just listen. I am so blessed to have these people in my life. My cup is being filled back up with every encouraging word. I also went to dinner with some girls that I love tonight - just sitting at Panera (and then Coldstone) and laughing with them (and at them) was wonderful. God is working on filling me back up - one drop at a time. I can't wait to start this Bible study this week - I just know God has some crazy lessons to teach me in the next few weeks.
I love music - and you will find that out about me. There is something about it - lyrics that say what I am feeling in a way that I would never be able to so eloquently say. Jonny Diaz has a song called "Small Enough". Let me share some lyrics with you -
"O God who holds the stars and tells them where to shine:
Can You be small enough to hear me whispering tonight?
You made the mountains high, and filled the oceans deep,
Can You be small enough to feel the pain inside of me?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
O God who heals the blind and raises up the dead:
I just need to know You know the hairs upon my head
You shake the night with thunder as lightning breaks the sky,
Can You be small enough to hold me if I start to cry?
Sometimes I need a Master with power and with might,
But right now all I need is You to hold me through the night
Sometimes I need a Maker, One who controls the seas,
But right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me
Right now all I need is You to calm the storms in me."
That is my prayer tonight. Please, Lord, right now, all I need is You to calm the storms in me.
Strength CAN be found in tears - for only when we admit to our own weakness can we find the Strength that we need to keep going.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sports bra and lycra shorts
Hey there! I want to be honest, right from the start. I have started this blog for purely selfish reasons. I need to make changes in my life - and I think the only way for me to see clearly is to "write" it all down. I have been doing ALOT of talking in recent weeks, months, and years - and not a whole lot of "doing" has been happening. That is about to change.
Do you ever watch those shows where people need to lose hundreds of pounds? And they have them walking around in sports bras and lycra shorts? I have often seen that and thought "WHY would they make them wear that? WHY? It seems so degrading!" I am thinking that the producers and writers are onto something. So many of us walk around in a "cover" - we disguise who we really are - so we don't have to admit to others OR OURSELVES who we really are. Making those people put on that sports bra and lycra shorts is forcing them to admit where they are - forcing them to see what they really look like. It's due time that I put on the "sports bra and lycra shorts" and finally cop to where I am.
So, like I said, I need to make some changes. I don't like where I am and I don't like who I have become. I am a fun person. I am insightful. I give great advice (whether you want it or not). I love to give to others and do little things to brighten people's days. I work hard. I try to be the best mom that I can be. With all of that said, there is constant turmoil deep inside of me. I don't like me. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I think about. I don't like that I have NO self-control. I don't like that I am completely un-disciplined. I don't like what comes out of my mouth at times. And, I certainly don't like how quickly I can become angry. The list could go on and on - but, I think that you get the point. I know that I have people in my life who love me, and that my God loves me, but I want to love me. Not in a creepy, snobby Kardashian way - but I long to see myself the way that God sees me. And, I long to be the woman that God knows I can be - the woman that He created me to be.
So, where do I start in my journey to where I want to be? Well, that's the trick - remember when I said that I am completely un-disciplined? Yeah - therein lies the biggest problem. How do I lose weight? By eating better and working out. How do I discover who God wants me to be so that I can work towards that? By reading my Bible and listening to Him more. How do I control my temper? I have NO idea! I am not good at making a plan and sticking to it. I hope that since this will all be written and broadcasted on the internet, this will help me to stick to my plans a little better than my past attempts.
I joined a Bible study at my church - and that starts next Tuesday. I am excited because it will help me be in the Word every day. This is step one.
I joined a gym 4 weeks ago and still haven't gone once. I WILL go work out 4 times next week. This is step two.
I am only making those 2 steps at this point. I can't change everything at once or I won't stick to a single one - I know this about myself.
If you see me next week, ask me how I am doing. :) Thanks!
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld~
Do you ever watch those shows where people need to lose hundreds of pounds? And they have them walking around in sports bras and lycra shorts? I have often seen that and thought "WHY would they make them wear that? WHY? It seems so degrading!" I am thinking that the producers and writers are onto something. So many of us walk around in a "cover" - we disguise who we really are - so we don't have to admit to others OR OURSELVES who we really are. Making those people put on that sports bra and lycra shorts is forcing them to admit where they are - forcing them to see what they really look like. It's due time that I put on the "sports bra and lycra shorts" and finally cop to where I am.
So, like I said, I need to make some changes. I don't like where I am and I don't like who I have become. I am a fun person. I am insightful. I give great advice (whether you want it or not). I love to give to others and do little things to brighten people's days. I work hard. I try to be the best mom that I can be. With all of that said, there is constant turmoil deep inside of me. I don't like me. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I don't like what I think about. I don't like that I have NO self-control. I don't like that I am completely un-disciplined. I don't like what comes out of my mouth at times. And, I certainly don't like how quickly I can become angry. The list could go on and on - but, I think that you get the point. I know that I have people in my life who love me, and that my God loves me, but I want to love me. Not in a creepy, snobby Kardashian way - but I long to see myself the way that God sees me. And, I long to be the woman that God knows I can be - the woman that He created me to be.
So, where do I start in my journey to where I want to be? Well, that's the trick - remember when I said that I am completely un-disciplined? Yeah - therein lies the biggest problem. How do I lose weight? By eating better and working out. How do I discover who God wants me to be so that I can work towards that? By reading my Bible and listening to Him more. How do I control my temper? I have NO idea! I am not good at making a plan and sticking to it. I hope that since this will all be written and broadcasted on the internet, this will help me to stick to my plans a little better than my past attempts.
I joined a Bible study at my church - and that starts next Tuesday. I am excited because it will help me be in the Word every day. This is step one.
I joined a gym 4 weeks ago and still haven't gone once. I WILL go work out 4 times next week. This is step two.
I am only making those 2 steps at this point. I can't change everything at once or I won't stick to a single one - I know this about myself.
If you see me next week, ask me how I am doing. :) Thanks!
"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves."
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld~
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