I have been talking to a few people lately about life and I have been encouraged to write some blogs. I haven't written for almost a year because I just didn't want to. I am one of those people who start something with the best intentions, and then rarely follow through. :-/ I will try to get back to it - here goes nothing!
I have had quite the year - it's been kind of a roller coaster ride. I have had some ups, and alot of downs. I have really felt like that "2 steps forward, 2 steps back" kind of person. At times, I have felt horribly distant from God, and at times I have felt like I was sitting in His lap. It hasn't been easy, but we are not promised "easy", are we?
The reason why I am writing today is that I have had a really hard 3-4 weeks. I have been on the brink of tears way too many times to count. I have been confronted (through friends and God) - I have been told and asked to face some stuff head on - and that is so hard for me. Honestly, I don't think that is easy for any of us.
I have idols - most of us do. I have been asked to face a HUGE idol in my life - one that is so hard for me to face. Well, and I have been asked to give it up. It's not a tangible idol - it's not money, or fame, or a big house, or a new Mercedes, or something that I want. It's a vision - and inward struggle - my thoughts about something or someone. This idol has taken up so much of my time and effort and... well, so much of me. I have held onto it so tightly - and I haven't seen it as an idol until someone (actually 2 people) that I love to death pointed it out to me. They are probably the only 2 people in my life who could say what they said and I wouldn't get mad. I actually wanted to cry.
I made a step in letting go of my idol a few weeks ago and truly felt like a small weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was hard, but I did it. I have been asked to make another step and this one is even harder for me. I have been asked to write letters to express some "stuff" that's in my heart - and then burn them. It's funny, because this is something that I have suggested to people who are struggling with grief/pain/anger - and now it is being suggested to me. I have started these letters, and have thought alot about what I will write - but I haven't finished them. Hmmmm... someone better give me a deadline so I actually finish them! lol
I have spent so much time thinking about this idol - thinking about how things should be, how they will be, how they can be, what will happen, what should happen, etc... Oh my goodness - it's awful! And, it has to end. I have to commit my thoughts to God - all of them. That is scary!
That brings me to my next thought - and it's a hard one for me to admit. God. That one 3-letter word means so much to so many people - and brings so many diverse and strong feelings and thoughts to many different people. BUT, to a church-going Bible-believing Christian, that word rarely brings up the feelings that I have had lately. God - Anger. I didn't realize it until this morning. I am so mad at God. I am mad at Him for letting this all happen. I am mad at Him for letting me get into a situation where He knew I was going to get hurt, where He knew my family was going to get hurt, where He knew things were going to get tough. HE let it happen. I am so mad that He allowed me to be in a situation where He knew my emotional, spiritual, and physical health was going to be shaken and ruined for a season. I.AM.MAD. Period, end of discussion.
Well, not really. If there is one thing I have learned from a lifetime of disappointments (little and big), holding onto anger is not ok. Fortunately, for me, today was communion Sunday. It gave me some time to sit, be quiet, and reflect - and PRAY. I told God that I was mad at Him. As odd as it sounds, it felt good to finally tell Him what He has known all along. You see, no matter how far back you push things, God sees them, knows them, and longs to help you resolve them. I spent some time asking Him to help me trust Him - help me to trust that He will work things all out - help me to trust that He really does know what He is doing. I also told Him that it is foolish for me to assume I know what He needs to do to bring me closer to where He wants me. It is foolish for me to assume I know what He needs to do to bring my kids closer to where He wants them. It is foolish for me to assume I know what He needs to do to bring my husband closer to where He wants him. And, so on, and so forth.... It's all in His hands. Rather than praying that His will would line up with mine - I prayed that my will would line up with His. I prayed for His forgiveness for being so mad at Him for so long.
This has been a really tough year for me. It has wrecked me in so many ways that I didn't think were possible. But, if it is bringing me closer to who He wants me to be, then it's ok. Again, it is foolish for me to assume that I am the best person to judge what will be good for me. I don't see the whole picture. I don't know what tomorrow or next week or next year will bring. HE holds my past, my present, and my future in His hands.
I know that this may seem like 2 very different struggles - yet, they are very much woven together in my life. To some, this letter will make perfect sense - and to others, it will seem like I am a more of a mess than they realized. That's okay with me. lol
Finally, I have a quote and a song...
"Sometimes letting go is simply changing the labels you place on an event. Looking at the same event with fresh eyes."
"I've been here before
Now, here I am again
Standing at the door
Praying You'll let me back in
To label me
A prodigal would be
Only scratching the surface
Of who I've been known to be
Turn me around, pick me up
Undo what I've become
Bring me back to the place
Of forgiveness and grace
I need You, I need Your help
I can't do this myself
You're the only one
Who can undo what I've become"
With that, everyone, have a blessed day. Remember, no matter how far you push back your grief, anger, sin, etc, God sees it, knows it, and longs to help you resolve it. It is clutter and filth in your heart, and He wants to help you get rid of it.
